1.. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

2.. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

3.. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

4.. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

5.. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

6.. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

7.. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

8.. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

9.. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

10. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

11.. The fifth commandment is to humour thy father and mother.

12.. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

13.. Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

14.. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

15.. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

16.. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.

17.. Goliath fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

18.. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

19.. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

20.. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

21.. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

22.. St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

23 Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."

24.. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

25.. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

26.. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

27.. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

28.. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

29.. A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

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Smile a while longer....

Some more humour

Contemplative Vicar

A vicar was talking to one of his parishioners. He said "When you get to my age you spend a lot more time thinking about the hereafter." "Why do you say that", enquires the parishioner. The vicar replies "Well, I often find myself going into a room and thinking what did I come in here after."

Missing Missionary and Sick Cannibal

Did you hear about the cannibal who got sick after eating the missionary? He boiled him and he was a friar!

The Confused Samaritan

A man was beaten up by robbers on a road to London. He lay there, half dead and in bad shape. A Vicar came along, saw him and passed by on the other side. Next, a monk came by but also walked quickly on the other side. Finally, a social worker came along, looked at the man and said "Whoever did this needs help!"

Goliath's Grief!

Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a stone? Because nothing like this had ever entered his mind before.

Nietzche

A poster read: "God is dead" - Nietzche. The graffiti underneath read: "Nietzche is dead" - God.

The Brutal Truth!

A man called up a bible believing church and the church secretary answered the call. The man on the other end of the line said, "I’d like to speak to the head hog." The secretary replied, "That wasn’t a very nice thing to say about our beloved minister, Rev. Jones." Again the man replied, "I’d like to speak to the head hog, because I’m going to donate £75,000.00 to the church. She replied, "Hold on a moment, I think the big fat pig just walked in."

A Strange Combination!

What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovahs Witness?.... Someone who knocks at your door for no apparent reason.

The Angry Atheist

The story is told of the Atheist who accosted a preacher. "Do you believe in eternal life?" The preacher has no time to reply. "Well its a load of rubbish!" shouted the Atheist. "I believe in science, evolution, survival of the fittest, and when we die, that's it! No eternal life, no great judgement, and no God!" The Atheist continues his assault against the preacher repetitiously and tirelessly. "Eternal life! Eternal life! Ha! "Its all pie in the sky when you die." When I die that's it, the end, no eternal life, no nothing. He continues, until he reaches his climax, "I will be buried six feet under when I die and that's it! Nothing! Caput! When I die I am utterly convinced that that will be the end of me!" "Well thank God for that" replies the preacher!

Goat for Dinner
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner."

Good King Wenceleslas (Warning: This one will make you groan!)

Good King Wenceleslas went out to the pizza parlour and ordered a pizza. The assistant asked Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?

The Cost of Living

God said to Adam, "I am going to make you a helper, a companion. What would you like your companion to be like?" Adam replied, "Well I want someone that is humorous, witty, intelligent, compassionate, caring, loving, trusting, polite, generous and beautiful."

God paused a moment after Adam's wish list and told Adam that a companion like that 'would cost him an arm and a leg.' Adam seemed a little dejected and then brightly replied: "What can I get for a Rib?"

Flattered Minister

A pastor was leaving his area and was saying farewell to his congregation at the Church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said "Your successor won't be as good as you." "Nonsense", said the pastor, in a flattered tone. "No, really", said the old lady, "I've been here under five different ministers, and each new one has been worse than the last."

Show and Tell
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David.."
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Peter. I am Penecostal, and this is a Chicken Dinner!

Christians in Heaven

Why are there no Christians in Heaven yet? Because they are all still at the gates, saying to each other: "After you", "No, I insist after you..."

Nelson Mandela

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Push off", and shuts the door in his face. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, push off ! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again. The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinaman thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Maindealer?"

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Religious Lightbulb Jokes

How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb? One, since his/her hands are in the air anyway.

How many Calvinists does it take to change a lightbulb? None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.

How many Brethren does it take to change a light bulb? CHANGE?!!!

How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb? 10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness.

How many tv evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb? One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.

How many Roman Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb? None: Candles only.

How many Amish does it take to change a lightbulb? What's a light bulb?

How many Polygamous Mormons does it take to change a lightbulb? Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

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How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a light bulb? Three.

One to screw in the bulb, and two to knock on your door and ask you if you've seen the light!

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How many Unitarians does it take to change a lightbulb? We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

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How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Och! It's no that dark!

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A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."

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Jock once attended a Temperance lecture given by Scotland's top medical man, a noted anti-drink campaigner. The speaker began by placing a live, wriggling worm in a glass of whisky. After a moment or two it died and sank to the bottom. The speaker said quietly to the audience, "Now my friends, what does this tell us?" Jock piped up, "If you drink whisky you'll not be bothered by worms!"

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Obituary

A very popular scotsman dies in glasgow and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once so she goes to the newspaper and says "I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband" The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?" The old woman replies "£5" to which the man says "You wont get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok" so the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid, deid" He feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things. The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again. The man then reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale"

` Cheerful Giver? `

By mistake, Sandy put a 50 pence coin instead of 5 pence on the collection plate at church. Despite his entreaties, the minister refused to give it back to him. So for the next nine weeks, when the plate was passed round, Sandy passed it on saying "Season ticket."

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`McDougall’s dead. He fell into a vat of whisky.’

‘What a shame. Was it a quick death?’

‘Ah dinna think so. He came oot twice to go to the bathroom!’

The Scots have an infallible cure for sea-sickness. They lean over the side of the ship with a ten pence coin in their teeth."

A Scottish prayer - "Oh Lord, we do not ask you to give us wealth. But show us where it is!"

Jock asked the bus conductor how much it would cost to travel into town. "80 pence" said the conductor. Jock thought this was a bit steep so he decided to run after the bus for a few stops. "How much now?" he asked. "Still 80 pence". Jock ran after the bus for another three stops and, panting, he asked "How much now?" The conductor replied "90 pence. You're running in the wrong direction!"

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MacDonald was awarded 10,000 pounds for injuries received after a traffic accident and his wife got 2,000 pounds. A friend asked how badly injured his wife had been in the accident. MacDonald replied "Och, she wasn't injured but I had the presence of mind to kick her in the leg before the police arrived."

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A visitor to an Aberdeen bar was surprised to find the beer only two pence a pint. The barman explained that it was the price to mark the centenary of the pub opening. The visitor noticed, however, that the bar was empty. "Are the regular customers not enjoying the special prices?" he asked. To which the barman replied "They're waiting for the Happy Hour"

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It`s rumoured that the entire population of Aberdeen, Scotland took to the streets with an empty glass in their hands when the weather forecaster said there would be a nip in the air.

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An Englishman, roused by a Scotsman`s scorn of his race, protested that he was born an Englishman and would die an Englishman. "Man!" scoffed the Scot, "Hiv ye nae ambeetion?"

Rev. McTavish to his congregation: "Och, I dinna mind you putting buttons in the collection plate, but please provide your own buttons. Stop pulling them off the church cushions."

Another Scottish preacher is said to have prayed thus after a particularly unproductive collection: "We thank you Lord that the plate was returned safely."

Sign at a Scottish Golf Course: "Members will refrain from picking up lost balls until they have stopped rolling."

Why are so many Scottish churches circular? So nobody can hide in the corners during the collection.

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In some Scottish restaurants they heat the knives so you can't use too much butter."

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NO STEREOTYPING PLEASE

One should be careful about stereotyping the Scots as mean. There was a recent letter to a newspaper from an Aberdonian which said "If you print any more jokes about mean Scotsmen I shall stop borrowing your paper."

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The old Scots lady lay dying. She looked up and asked her husband if he would do her just one small favour before she went. "Jock," she asked, "on the day o' the funeral I'd like ye tae ride in the same coach as ma mother."

To which Jock replied: "A' richt, Janet. I'll dae that tae please ye. But ye've completely spoilt the day for me."

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"When Donald`s cat died he asked the minister if he could bury it in the church cemetery. "Certainly not" said the minister. Donald then asked the Anglican minister and got the same answer. The next day Donald met his own minister who asked if he was still trying to bury his cat. Donald told him that in desperation he had even offered the Jewish Rabbi fifty pounds to bury him but he had refused too. The minister's face immediately lit up. "Why didn't you tell me it was a Church of Scotland cat?"

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It was a very, very wild winter, freezing cold and the snow had never been seen so high in the streets of Aberdeen. One old couple, Jock and Annie his wife had not been able to get out of their house as the snow had covered the whole house leaving only their chimney visible.

The Red Cross, being deeply concerned for their welfare arranged for the emergency services to clear away the snow and provide them with food and heating.

As the snow was being cleard from the rooftop, the Red Cross Officer shouted down the chimney, "Hello, are you alright doon there"...

Auld Jock shouted back, "Wha is that, what dae ye want?" ...

"It`s the Red Cross" was the reply.

"Awa ye go," shouted Jock, "I gave tae your Collection already, a month ago."

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One day Mrs Cohen was trying to get her son Hymie out of bed to go to Synagogue. Hymie was adamant that he wasn`t going and he refused to get up.

Mrs.Cohen called upstairs to him in, exasperation

"Hymie, Give me one good reason why you are not going to Synagogue, and I`ll give you 3 why you should go"

Hymie replied, "They don`t like me...and I just don`t like them." .....

"Well now, replied Mrs Cohen, I`ll give you 3 good reasons why you ought to go to Synagogue... Today is Shabbat, You are 40 years old, And you are the Rabbi!"

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Rev McDonald was approached by one of his parishioners just before Service began one Sunday and whispered in his ear that her husband was a cruel man, always beating her up.

"Leave it to me," said the minister, "I`ll deal with it."

"Oh, meenister," she replied, "Dinna tell him I telt ye or ah`ll get a worse beating from him next time."

"Dinna worry," he assures her, "Just leave it tae me like I said."

The next Sunday the husband was in Church with his wife and as the minister was preaching he spotted the erring husband and began to say, "The bible says that you men ought to love your wives and no ill-treat them, but I ken that there is one man here wha is aye beating up his wife and if ye dinna put £10 in the collection plate today, ah`ll tell abody wha ye are, Aye I will."

The minister then finished his sermon, and sent round the collection plate while they sang the final hymn.

After church service was over the minister was counting the collection and was surprised to discover that there was twenty £10 notes in the collection that day.

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Good Sermon!

After a very long and boring sermon the parishoners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons."Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God!" The pastor was thrilled. "No-one has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why." "Well - it reminded me of the Peace of God because it passed all understanding and the Love of God because it endured forever!"

My Dad's Better Than Your Dad

Three young boys were walking on the pavement arguing over whose daddy was the greatest. One said, "My dad is the greatest because he is the manager of the town bank." The second boy said, "That is pretty good, but my daddy owns two grocery stores in town!" The third boy said, "That's nothing, my dad is a preacher, and he owns hell. He came home last night and told my mom that the Church Board gave it to him!"

War Heroes

As everyone was leaving the church, the Pastor noticed a young boy in the hallway, looking at a number of pictures on the wall. He said, "Well, hello, young man, how are you today?" The boy said, "Oh, fine." The pastor said, "I see you are looking at the pictures on the wall, do you know who the men in those pictures are?" The boy said "No, who are they?" The pastor said proudly "Well, son, those are pictures of the men in our congregation that gave their life in the service". The boy replied, " The 10 o'clock or the 6 o'clock service?

Dangerous Dog

One day a mailman was greeted by a boy and a huge dog. The mailman said to the boy, "does your dog bite?" "No," replied the boy. Just then the huge dog bit the mailman. The man yelled, "I thought your dog doesn't bite!" "He doesn't," replied the boy, "that's not my dog!"

"YOU ARE THE WEAKEST LINK!!!"

A selection of Questions and Answers from Ann Robinson`s popular TV Qiz Show

Anne Robinson: Which `D` is a large City in the Republic Of Ireland? Contestant: Belfast

AR: What type of bear lives in the Arctic?

Contestant: Penguin

AR: Which German painter was famous for his portraits of Henry VIII?...Hans...

Contest: Solo

AR: In nature what invertebrate has a variable number of limbs but a name that literally means `one hundreed feet`?

C: Giraffe

AR: What type of cat is renowned for never changing it`s spots?

C: Cheshire

AR: The Cairngorms are home to Britain`s last free-ranging herds of which animals, popularly associated with Christmas?

C: Turkeys

AR: Which animal bred for meat, milk and wool, is unusual in that it is spelt with `Ls` in it`s name?

C:The Gnu

AR: Which `S` is the only country to have a land-border with Portugal?

C: Pass

AR: What was the principal language used by the ancient Romans?

C: Greek

AR: Which hot drink is an anagram of the word `eat`?

C: Hot chocolate

AR: The name of which card game is also a word for the upper bony part of the nose and a structure allowing a road to cross a river?

C: Rummy

AR: Who wrote `Old Possum`s Book of Practical Cats,` which was made into a musical by Andrew Lloyd Webber?

C: Old Possum

AR: Which `P` is the smallest British bat?

C: Pigeon

AR: Which surname was shared by a historical outlaw called `Butch` and a fictional cowboy called `Hopalong`?

C: Lesbian

AR: Which of the 3 British Armed Forces is known as the `senior service`? C: The SS

AR: The medieval map of the world housed in Hereford Cathedral is known as the `Mappa` what?

C: The world

AR: Who won the U.S. Open Tennis Championship wearing a black dress modelled on Audrey Hepburn`s in `Breakfast at Tiffany`s?`

C: Roger Federer

AR: `Cornish` describes something from which English County?

C: Devon

AR: Three stumps with two balls on top are essential equipment in which sport?

C: Horse-racing

AR: Which South American country has borders with 10 others?

C: China

AR: In 1975, the first black tennis player to win Wimbledon Men`s Singles title was `Arthur` who?

C: Askey

AR: What nickname is shared by a famous Scottish Golfer and a British World War 2 General?

C: General Custer

AR: The Irish President, elected in 1990, and who was the first to visit a British Monarch, was `Mary` who?

C: Mary, Queen of Scots

AR: What 3 letter word means `at the moment`?

C: Then

AR: What `E` is the substance that forms a hard, protective layer around the teeth?

C:. Enema

AR: Which actress sang `Happy Birthday to you` to John F Kennedy?

C: The Queen

AR: In the English Monarchy, what was the name of the Royal house that succeeded the Tudors?

C: Buckingham Palace

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Important Man

The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport.

Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.

The Pope proceeds onto HWY 95, and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. He gets to about 90 mph, and suddenly he sees the blue lights of the State Police in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window.

The trooper, seeing who it was, says, "Just a moment please, I need to call in." The trooper calls in and asks for the chief.

He tells the chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how he should handle it.

"It's not Ted Kennedy again is it?" replies the chief.

"No Sir!" replied the trooper, "This guy's more important."

"Is it the Governor?" replied the chief.

"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.

"Is it the PRESIDENT??? replied the chief.

"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.

"Well WHO is it?" screams the chief. "

I don't know Sir." replies the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur."

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Christian Science Healing

A leader in a Christian Science church was talking to a member of his congregation:

"And how is your husband today?"

"I'm afraid he's very ill."

"No, no," corrected the leader, "You really shouldn't say that - you should say that he's under the impression that he's very ill ."

The woman nods in agreement, "Yes, I'll remember next time."

A few weeks later the leader saw the woman again.

"And how is your husband at the moment?"

"Well", she replied, "he's under the impression that he's dead!"

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New Bell Ringer

Following the death of Quasimodo. the Bishop of the Cathedral Church of Notre Dame sent word throughout the streets of Paris that a new bellringer would need to be appointed. The Bishop decided that he would himself conduct the interviews, and went up into the belfry to interview the candidates. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day, when an armless man approached him announcing that he was there to apply for the post.. The Bishop, incredulous declared, " My Son, you have no arms!" " No matter" replied the man. He then proceeded to strike the bells with his face, producing the most beautiful melody on the carillon. The Bishop was astonished, believing he had indeed found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. But in rushing forward to strike the bell one more time, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry to his death in the street below. The Bishop, stunned rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beauty of the music they had heard, but a moment before. As they parted in silence to allow the Bishop through, one of the number asked " Bishop, who was this man?"

.." I don't know his name" replied the Bishop sadly, " But his face rings a bell."

WAIT, WAIT! not through yet!

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart following the death of the armless camponologist, the Bishop continued his interviews for a bell ringer for Notre Dame. The first man to approach addressed him, "Your Grace, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch who fell to his death from this belfry yesterday. I pray that you will allow me to replace him." The Bishop agreed to an audition, but as the man reached to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, collapsed, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the cries of grief from the Bishop at the tragedy, rushed up the stairs...... "What has happened? Who is this man?" they cried. " I don't know his name" exclaimed the distraught Bishop,.........

........." I don't know his name............but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

Christmas Cheer

As it was coming up to Christmas a young boy is praying upstairs while his mother sits by him and his dad and grandma are downstairs. He prays "Lord I pray for a train set, a remote control car, and A NEW BICYCLE!!! "You don't have to shout dear", says the mother "God's not deaf." "I know" said the little boy, "but grandma is."

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Church Ladies With typewriters . . .

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Here are some more funny Church related items: ---------

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow...

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.

All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.

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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.  The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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Notice in Church Vestibule :

`Churchyard maintenance is becoming increasingly difficult; And it will be appreciated if parishioners will cut the grass around their own graves`.

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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

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Rabbi Moshe and The Pope

Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jews, so the Pope agreed to debate with a member of their community. If the Jew won, they could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

Knowing they had no choice, they picked old Rabbi Moshe to represent them. His Latin wasn't very good, but he was a man of great faith and well respected. He accepted, on condition that it would be a silent debate. The Pope agreed. After all, what could be easier than a silent debate?

On the day of the great debate, Moshe and the Pope sat opposite each other.

After a minute the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moshe looked back and raised one finger.

The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moshe pointed to the ground.

The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moshe pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

As the puzzled cardinals clustered around the Pope, he explained: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He held up one finger to remind me that one God is common to both our religions. When I waved my finger around me to show that God was all around us, he pointed down to show that God is also right here with us. When I showed him the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins, he showed me an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jews had crowded around Moshe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moshe, "He says to me, 'You Jews have three days to leave.' So I said: 'One!'" Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, 'Listen here, Popey baby, the Jews ... we stay right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "Who knows?" said Moshe. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine.

_________________

The Beggars.
Two beggars are sitting on the pavement in Ireland. One is holding a large Cross and the other a large Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. As people walk by, they ignore the guy holding the Star of David but drop money in the other guy’s hat. Soon one hat is nearly full whilst the other hat is empty.
A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the guy with the Star of David and says, "Don't you realize that this is a Christian country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David."
The guy holding the Star of David then turns to the guy holding the Cross and says, "Hymie, look who's trying to teach us Marketing."

______________________

Kol Nidre Night.

Sidney telephones Rabbi Levy. He says, "Rabbi, I know tonight is Kol Nidre night, but tonight Spurs are in the European Cup quarter finals. Rabbi, I'm a life long Spurs fan. I've got to watch the Spurs game on TV." Rabbi Levy replies, "Sidney, that's what video recorders are for." Sidney is surprised. "You mean I can tape Kol Nidre"?

_____________________

The Inland Revenue.
Rabbi Rabinovitz answers his phone.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this Rabbi Rabinovitz?"
"It is."
"This is the Inland Revenue. Can you help us?"
"I'll try."
"Do you know Sam Cohen?"
"I do."
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is."
"Did he donate £10,000 to the synagogue rebuilding fund last year?"
"He will!"

_____________________________

The school teacher’s prize.
Angela was nearing 60 and was in her final year of teaching. She was a devout Christian who missed teaching from the Bible. Because she was worried at how little her class knew about religion, Angela decided she was going to disregard the new regulations and teach some religion. She told her class that she would run a contest. She would give £50 to whoever could tell her who was the greatest man who ever lived.
Immediately Moishe began to wave his hand, but Angela ignored him in favour of those in her Sunday school class. As she went around the room, Angela was disappointed with the answers she got. Jane, her best scholar, picked Noah because he saved all the animals. Others said, "I think the greatest man who ever lived was Alexander the Great because he conquered the whole world." and "I think it was Thomas Edison, because he invented the light bulb."
Finally, she called on Moishe who still had his hand in the air.
"I think the greatest man who ever lived was Jesus Christ." said Moishe. Angela was shocked but still gave him the £50 reward. As she did so, she said, "Well, Moishe, I'm very surprised that you should be the only one with the right answer. How come?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," Moishe replied as he pocketed the money, "I think it was Moses, but business is business."

_________________________________

Are There Jews In China?
Yitzhak and Moshe were eating in a Chinese restaurant in London.
"Yitzhak," asked Moshe, "Are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Yitzhak replied. "Why don't you ask the waiter? I'd be surprised if there were no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter came by, Moshe asked, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I not know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and went back to the kitchen.
The waiter returned a few minutes later and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Moshe asked.
"I ask everyone," the waiter replied. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews!"

______________________

Near to death
Leah had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months.
Yet Tony, her husband, had stayed by her bedside every single day.

One day, when Leah came to, she motioned for Tony to come nearer.

As he sat by her, she whispered, eyes full of tears,
"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times...
When I got fired from my secretary’s job, you were there to support me.
When my first hairdressing business failed, you were there.
When I got knocked down by a car, you were by my side.
When we lost our dear Jonathan, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what?"

"What dear?" Tony gently asked, smiling as his heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

______________________

The loan
Issy walks into a central London bank and says he's going to America for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.
For collateral, he offers his new Rolls Royce. The bank is satisfied and parks it in their secured underground garage.
Two weeks later to the day, Issy returns to the bank and repays the £5,000 plus interest of £9.41
The loan officer says inquiringly, "Sir, we were delighted to have your business but checking your credit, we learned you are a multimillionaire. Why ever did you need to borrow £5,000?"
"Where else in central London could I park my car for two weeks for £9..41

___________________

Sweet Revenge
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to give in and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a wry smile, and said, "At your wedding."

The hearing test
Maurice and Sarah were getting old and Maurice felt his wife was losing her hearing.
He decided to stage a test. One day, as Sarah read the paper, he stood a distance behind her chair and said, in a conversational voice, "Can you hear me?" Silence.
He moved towards her. He was now 6 feet away. "Can you hear me?" Still silence.
Finally, he moved directly behind her chair and bent over, just inches from her ear "Can you hear me?"
Sarah replied "For the third time, Maurice, Yes I can!"

Noah’s ark
"Noah," says the Lord, "for the next flood, I want no animals on board, just fish. And not any old fish, but only carp, in glass tanks."
"And this time," says the Lord, "think big, Eight decks at least."
"I got you," says Noah, "what you want is a multi-storey carp ark."

The dry cleaners
Jacob needs his tallis cleaned, so he takes it to the best dry-cleaners in Golders Green, Yu Feng Zo Cleaners. They tell him to come back in a week. When he returns, they give him the tallis and an invoice for £50.
"Fifty pounds to clean just one small tallis?" Jacob says.
"No," replies Yu Feng, "Five pounds to clean the tallis, forty five pounds to take out all those knots!"

The car crash
Rabbi Bloom and Father Michael get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are crushed but amazingly neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, Rabbi Bloom sees the priest's collar and says, "Just look at our cars - there's nothing left, but we're unhurt. You're a priest and I'm a rabbi so it must be a sign from God. He must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
Father Michael replies, "I agree with you completely. This truly must be a sign from God."
Rabbi Bloom then says, "Look - here's another miracle. Although my car is wrecked, this bottle of wine didn't break. God must want us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
He hands the bottle to the priest.
Father Michael takes a few big swigs and passes the bottle back to Rabbi Bloom who puts the cork back in and hands it back to the priest.
Father Michael asks, "Aren't you having any wine?"
"No. I think I'll just wait for the police," says Rabbi Bloom.

Moshe`s accident

Moshe, an old man, was hit by a car. Whilst waiting for an ambulance, a policeman gently tucks a blanket under Moshe's head and asks, “Are you comfortable?”
Moshe replies, “I make a living, I make a living.”

Telling the future
Bush was very curious about how the Jewish people knew everything before he did. So he called the FBI and asked them to figure it out.
One week later they came back and said, "Mr. President, the Jews have something called shabbas. They meet each other at the synagogue and use a code. They sit, they pray, and there is a word that is the key to this secret. This word is 'Nu?'. When one says to another, 'Nu?' the other tells him everything, every bit of news."
Bush wanted to see this for himself. So the FBI dressed him like a Hassid and taught him to read from the right to the left of the siddur. Bush arrived at a synagogue on shabbas and sat beside Issy. He waited for a moment, and said, "Nu?"
Issy answered, "Shh, don’t talk now, Bush is coming."

The Rabbi's Advice.
Abe goes to see his Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong, Abe?"
Abe replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi was very surprised by this and asks, "How can that be?"
Abe then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls Abe and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
Abe anxiously says, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.

Dividing the Loot

The local religious clerics of a certain town were discussing the holding of an ecumenical service and were at a loss as to how much of the collection was to be given to God and how much they should divide between themselves for expenses. I know, says Father Murphy, "We`ll draw a big circle on the ground and we`ll throw the collection up in the air and whatever lands in the circle belongs to God, and whatever falls outside the circle is ours."...."I`ve a better idea", says Pastor John of the Baptist Church, "We`ll throw the money up in the air and whatever lands in the circle is ours and God gets the rest." ..."Hmm, Now wait a minute fellas, says Rabbi Lionel, "I have a better idea, We`ll throw the money up in the air and whatever lands on the ground is ours and the rest is God`s."

Saved by the bear?
Solomon is out in the woods when he comes across a bear. Frightened for his life, Solomon runs as fast as he can to escape the bear and manages to hide in a cave. But he is horrified to find that the bear has run after him into the cave and now Solomon is trapped. He closes his eyes and begins to recite "Sh'ma Yisrael" in anticipation of his final moments. When he is finished, he opens his eyes and is surprised to see the bear in front of him with his eyes closed--also praying in Hebrew. Solomon thinks to himself "How lucky am I to be cornered by what must be the only Jewish bear in the area! We're mishpocheh--I'm saved!" And then he listens more carefully to the bear's prayer: "...

HAMOTZI LECHEM MIN HA'ARETZ."

Moishe Cohen
Walking through London’s Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Moishe Cohen's Chinese Laundry."
"Moishe Cohen?" he muses. "How does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Moishe Cohen 's Chinese Laundry?"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Moishe Cohen?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Centre. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland.
Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?'
He say, 'Moishe Cohen.'
Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'
I say, 'Sem Ting.'"

---------------------------------------------------------

Exclusive Clubs!
O'Brien kept nudging Cohen to let him play at his Jewish Country Club. Cohen told him that only Jews could play golf there.
He drove him crazy for months and he finally gave in but warned him that if anyone asked, his name was Goldberg. If asked what his occupation was, he was a manufacturer. O'Brien asked what kind of a manufacturer should he be and he told him to say that he made tallis.
Sure enough, after playing 18 holes, he's approached by one of the members. He said that he hadn't seen him before and asked his name.
He replied, "My name is Goldberg."
"What do you do for a living, Mr. Goldberg?"
He replies, "I'm a manufacturer."
"What do you manufacture?"
"I make tallises."
"You know, I always wanted to know what the Hebrew letters on the neck of the tallis meant. Can you tell me?"
O'Brien said, "to tell the truth, I only make the sleeves".

_______________

Can You Spare A Penny?
A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to God.
The man asked, "God, what's a million years to you?"
And God said "A minute."
Then the man asked: "Well, what's a million pounds to you?"
And God said: "A penny"
Then the man asked: "God.....can I have a penny?"
And God said: "Sure.....in a minute."

______________

The special award
Maurice had worked most of his life helping his community and he was therefore thrilled one morning to hear that his unselfish work had been recognised by the Queen, no less. She had decided to bestow on Maurice a knighthood.
But his elation soon turned to dismay when he realised that his ceremony would take place on the first night of Pesach. “What on earth should I do”, thought Maurice, “should I attend ceder night with my loving family or should I accept one of the highest honours in the land? His family soon talked him into going to the Palace. “The award is too special to turn down and you would always live to regret it”, they told him.
His next worry was what to say to the Queen. He just couldn't think of anything that would be of interest to her. He just hoped that he would come up with something on the day.
Come the special day, there was Maurice, on his knees, being knighted, with the Queen touching his shoulders with her sword and Maurice shaking with excitement. All of a sudden, he burst out with “Ma Nishtona haleila hazeh”.
The Queen looked at Prince Philip with a surprised expression on her face and said to him “Why is this knight different from all other knights?”

(and finally)

THE TWO RONNIES : JEWISH HUMOUR

www.aish.com/j/jt/51472137.html

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